My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
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Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
What’s the most unhinged reply you’ve gotten on here because once I retweeted someone who said garbage dumps should have viewing windows for kids to watch and someone said that was dangerous because the kids might see discarded body parts serial killers threw away in the trash
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
Make it RAAAAIN!!
ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.
Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight
[buying treadmill]
Me: Can I try it out first?
Salesperson: Sure
Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
Come back after dark. Bring your friends
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs:
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer: