Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
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[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
“I have a PhD, I’m a professor, and yet I could be making more just teaching elementary school! It’s not fair!”
my brother in christ have you ever been the only adult in a room of 28 first-graders
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”
10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”
10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
Our Alexa flashes every time we get an Amazon delivery, which is why there are 200 teens at the door thinking we’re throwing a rave.
If you ever think you see Dean Koontz, start chanting koontz-koontz-koontz over and over so if it isn’t him it’ll just look like you’re really into techno and public humiliation.
I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.
Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.
You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
Shorty got
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
🔘 all of the above
Opponent: I wish you luck
Me: Tha—
Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.
Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*