‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’
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It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
How to make infinite energy.
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
Before Google, if you didn’t know something you had to go ask someone and most of the time they couldn’t help you, and now that’s also how Google works
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.
Me: I can’t make it in today.
Boss: How sick are you?
M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.
B: Jesus, you ARE sick.
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.
ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.