me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?
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Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing
[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
me making someone eat a chip with my mind
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
[montage of me giving-up]
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.
2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.
3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.
(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vowsWife: *recites beautiful vows*
Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount
I come from a long line of idiots. One of my ancestors was stabbed to death by his fellow Greeks for shouting ‘Brojan Horse amirite’ while waiting inside to ambush Troy.
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.
“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.
Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.