If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
You Might Also Like
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.
In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]
(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me
Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?
[Krypto stares intently at Lois]
Superman: oh god he sees your bones run
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.