I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
You Might Also Like
[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
man: wait
time: no
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Shower sex be like:
Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”
“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”
the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a “i didn’t know i was pregnant” type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
The Backseat Boys
[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.
I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.