ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
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me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me
[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
🚲+physics = winner
*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.
[inventing napkin dispenser]
bob: it has two settings
ceo: ok
bob: one at a time
ceo: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
ceo: first of all i love it
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils
Draw me like one of your French Fries.
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
*Inspirational Tweets*
There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
[reptile house]
Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?
Wife: Sure!
Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
I’m posting this because I’m honestly at a loss. I’ve been in this situationship for as long as I can remember & I need advice. There’s this guy & he’s honestly SO nice & he gets me whatever I want but he only visits once a year & only when I’m sleeping & then he just disappears.
I’m just curious if anyone has been through anything like this? Any advice? I don’t even have his number I just write him letters.