Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
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It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met
Professor whatshisname: get out
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
As an incredibly powerful, mostly evil, very attractive supernatural being, I have one weakness:
A female protagonist who has just turned sixteen and thinks there’s nothing special about her at all.
Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.