Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
You Might Also Like
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?
Me: No
Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?
Me: Because he’s met me
Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
Breaking news:
Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”
– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
Life Lessons From Cats:
• take more naps
• rules were meant to be broken
• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared
• always demand respect
• if you have an itch, scratch it
• find joy in the simple things
• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it
ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.
HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?
ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
Weighing up my bread heating options
Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.