Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?
You Might Also Like
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely
DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*
“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”
I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock
Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me:
Prof:
Me: it took him a couple bytes
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]