Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book
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If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”
I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
Dog: I have to go outside.
Me: Okay.
Dog: I really really need to go outside.
Me: Okay okay I’m coming.
Dog: YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT NOW.
Me: OMG I’m right here let’s go.
Dog: Hold on I have to stretch for ten minutes.
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
Wife: Give me $50
Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy
W: Eh?
M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers
W: IDIOT
M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!
W: I despise you
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
Tough love is true love
Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.