Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
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6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
Just a bush.
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
maintenance guy came into the men’s room at work and shouted “is anyone in here?” and in a normal speaking voice someone in the cubicle next to me said “why?”
“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.