When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
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I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*
I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.
a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream
wife: what did he say?
me: he kept laughing at me
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing
Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.
Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*