Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”
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Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”
First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]
“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.
This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-
-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO