ME: stay away from the cat
MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n tME: ur gonna get scratched again
MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.
You Might Also Like
I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba
Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart
I guess we don’t have a roomba
WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
Overheard on the bus:
“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”
online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*