Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
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Anyone that breaks up with me gets followed around by a gang of feral raccoons with tiny signs that say “Really?” and “Seriously dude?” for at least, a month.
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
😲 WTF? 😆
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
Baking is just science you can eat.
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
bought wrong eggs
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
[at Starbucks]
ME: One large starbuck please.
BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-
ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.
Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.