This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
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do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
*in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?
Trooper: State Police identify yourself
Me: Police identify yourself
Trooper: State Police
Me: Police
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.
Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.
Me: No one asked you.
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.