The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
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Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.
I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
#inspiration #foodforthought
“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.