My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
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some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two
You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.
at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode
EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess
Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?
Me: I think that’s a myth.
Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.
NASA has no chill
*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?