Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
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I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*
HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we’re in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
school taught me a lot of useless stuff but nothing tops state capitals. if i’m ever in a career that depends on me knowing where Delaware’s governor works i have made some serious missteps in life
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”
My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.
*gives them a cookie when they come in*
My dogs are so stupid.
Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.