The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
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My rap name is When i$ Lunch
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
I would’ve loved to have been a detective during the era when people’s watches always stopped at the exact second they were murdered. These days it’s all CCTV and social media. Bring back corpse watches.
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby
“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden
Torturer: you shock him this time
Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle
Torturer: no not— wait really
I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.
Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account
Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password
Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot
Me: ok ok
Computer: What was the name of your first dog?
Me: oh no
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.