“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
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They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”
Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO
I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.