[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
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Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷♂️😆🤷♂️😆
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Amazon.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.
Me: That’s pretty sus
12yo: Never say that again
Me: Why?
12yo: It sounded weird when you said it
Me:
12yo:
Me: Your rules are sus
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.