glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
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I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”
I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”
Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.
[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox
My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*
Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim