Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
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Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
Me: Want me to carry you?
4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!
*tries to lift me*
4: Never mind. You’re fat.
I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?
*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.
HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations
THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY
Me: You *just* ate
Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”
[date]
Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.