Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
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Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”
I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
A tragic love story in two pictures.
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again
The French cow says MEUX…
Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool