Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.
You Might Also Like
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.
I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.
I love counterfeiting stuff
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.
Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?
Stop.
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
Things my cat eats: grass
Things my cat shouldn’t eat: grassThings my cat should eat: cat food
Things my cat doesn’t eat: cat foodColour of my cat: black and white
Colour of cows: black and whiteSynopsis: My cat is a cow
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
*pronounces woah like Noah*
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
My least favorite part of a burger or sandwich at a diner has to be the toothpick in the middle. I don’t care what the ingredient combinations are, that part always tastes the worst.
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.