I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
You Might Also Like
*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
the pigeons are already plenty salty
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig
BAND: Thank God! Finally!
MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.
MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”
Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
50 shades of grey = my Liver
Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.
Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.
Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…
Me: That’s all I got my man.
“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?
Me: it means active at night.
Daughter: like Batman?
Me: yes like Batman.
Daughter: dada?
Me: yes?
Daughter: am I nocturnal?
Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.
Daughter: am I Batman?
Me: what?
Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.