I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one
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Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
That lamp looks PISSED.
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”
the saddest jazz hands ever
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
inside you are two wolves
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*
Them: You need to live in the present.
Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no
Where’s my employee discount too?
Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings
If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry