son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
You Might Also Like
Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
I can’t wait!
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?
I’m doing Bikram yoga today.
By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
God: you’re a seabird.
Puffin: can I fly?
God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?
Puffin: oh good.
God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?
Puffin: I know right? lol.
Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.
My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.
I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.