I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
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Saw an Italian nativity scene:
• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys
6: I want to pick something out for your birthday next week
Me: ok, think about the things I like and enjoy doing and then we’ll go get it
6: you’re getting a chainsaw. And maybe a sword.
Me:… sweet
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?
One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart
Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news
Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.
CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
I am laughing way too hard at this.
The first matador
I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
[arrest]
ME: you’ve got the wrong g-
COP: tell it to the judge
[court]
ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape
Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
my astrological sign is a french fry
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.