You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.
You Might Also Like
Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.
mood
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”
Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile
Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.Colleagues: “You look tired.”
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
[Record Shop]
Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?
Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
Nice try Hitler