A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
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Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT
[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual
[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
can’t wait til they legalize outside
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?
ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?
Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!