airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
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“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
Parents: Are you eating well at school?
Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*
Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.
dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
chatgpt is an answer to the “older cousin deficit” we didn’t know we had. we need someone to tell us, with utmost confidence, that cockroaches can live for 3 years without a head, that smoking peanut shells gets you high, the *truth* about how katanas are made, with no sources.
her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
me hitting on a model
So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.