Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
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My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”
Pixar: How did you get past security?
Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-
Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?
Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.
Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.
Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.
Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.