me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
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I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
Spa day..😅
[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
alfred: you have lung cancer
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman:
alfred:
batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir, no
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.