*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs
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I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
[first mma fight]
me: Pikachu I choose you!
Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle
me: *throws rat taped to a taser*
Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
[Bedroom at midnight]
*scary noises*
Husband: is… is someone in here?
*demonic sounds from the closet*
Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore
*sad demonic noises*
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally
omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
[Amphibian Playground]
BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds
TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!
TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a “i didn’t know i was pregnant” type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming