[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
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Puts kids to bed at 6PM: they wake up at 6AM
Puts kids to sleep at 8PM: they wake up at 6AM
There is no winning 🙄
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet
[i look out the window]
[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?
Me: Mariah Carey.
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?
ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?
HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.
DON’T TELL ME THAT PLANTS MAKING THEIR OWN FOOD ISNT AMAZING. THATS LIKE YOU GOING TO TACO BELL BUT THE TACOS WERE INSIDE YOU THE WHOLE TIME
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
(first day at law school)
Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?
Prof: We don’t.
Me: This is BULLSHIT.
*flips table*
*table floats up to ceiling*
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”