I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game
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I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
Me: Okay, you’re up
Kid: …. Trick or Treat
Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!
Kid: Mom, this is stupid
Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-
ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.
PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.
ME: *gasps* How can you tell?
can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos