“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
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Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.
Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
“Okay player Mikehunt782 is it this time. I gotta hide, Mike Hunt is coming. You’ll never get me Mike Hunt! I’m taunting Mike Hunt. Time’s running out, I’m going to be safe. Yes! Take that Mike Hunt!”
* my 8yr old insisting on yelling out user names on Roblox
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
me 2 months after i graduated
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]
DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People