[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
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wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.
Me: Fair enough, Carl.
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
Mistakes were made
Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*
st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.