Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
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people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.
Saw your ex at the shops
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
ANGEL: *creates alligator*
ANGEL’S BROTHER: *creates crocodile*A: *creates dolphin*
AB: *creates porpoise*A: *creates llama*
AB: *creates alpaca*A: *creates ostrich*
AB: *creates emu*A: quit copying me
AB: qUiT cOpYiNg mEA: i’m telling god
AB: i’M TeLLiNg gOd
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
3 y/o, sobbing : I’VE JUST SWALLOWED MY SUPERMAN TOY!
Me: Ok calm down. I know exactly what you’ve got to do.
3 y/o: what?
Me: You’ve got to search for the hero inside yourself.
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”Coronavirus: LOL.
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?
~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago