Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
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peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
Sheep
181.
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5
Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow
There is nothing special about tomorrow
But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.
CHARLIE BROWN: happy holidays!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wampwahwahwah
CHARLIE BROWN: it’s not a war on Christmas, it’s just respecting people who celebrate other holidays
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wahwahwampwah
CHARLIE BROWN: no, Jesus wasn’t white
You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.