After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
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Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
Ffs laughed out loud 😂
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?
(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)
Me: Do you want to look like a taco?
4: Yes!
Me: You look exactly like a taco.
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.
me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
[Baseball game]
ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex
HIM: What? No, baseball came first
ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball
When you try jalapeños for the first time