My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.
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Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not
A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.