HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
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I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”
They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…
NOAH: whoa hold up, we already have two slugs
SLUG (wearing shell): no no, not slug *taps shell with eyeball* call me snail
NOAH: *narrows eyes* you look like a slug
SLUG: does the big guy know you brought your wife and kids?
NOAH:
SLUG:
NOAH: karaoke’s at 7
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
“Oh hi, you’re home early”
Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure
The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.
Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
Heroic Misunderstanding
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
🤣could you imagine
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.