Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
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doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
[middle school]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Teacher:
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.
#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin
I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.
Oh, wait.
That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.
I’m the second most successful guy.
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck
6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch
this is funnier than any friends episode
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
What I said: I do.
What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
A drum solo but on your face.
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
no offense but it feels like the “cicadas that come out every 17 years” happen every single summer…
Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??
Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven