i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
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Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you
“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”
But daddy, Santa likes-
[gently puts hand on his head]
“do what I say or he’s not coming”
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing
Prosecutor: I object
Me: No, you a person
Judge: On what grounds?
Me: The courthouse grounds
Judge: I’m ordering you-
Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad
Judge: Bailiff, take him out
Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
There should be a safe word for small talk:
“So how about this weather we’re hav -”
“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”
In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
the prophecy has been fulfilled
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
[Hospital Parking Lot]
Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.
Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
Speak now or ever hold your peace
Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.