The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
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Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂
#archaeohistories
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
Wednesday
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”
Cashier: Panic buyers bought up all the fresh fruit and veg?
Me, looks at my usual shopping: Huh? Oh yes, panic buyers. *shakes fist*
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
Butt weight. There’s more!
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
Angel: we need to make more creatures
God: why?
Angel: you killed them all
God:
Angel: giant meteor..
God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute
Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot
God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something
[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.