[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
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sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?
[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.
OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself
[later]
Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing
Mmmm. Shoeshi
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.